Sunday, April 23, 2006

being scared

So how do i write how scared i am in words. its going ot be so horrible the first week, it will be like comming of a drug, slow and painful. how will i get through it i have no idea all i know is that i will. i am strong enough to do this!!! i just have to keep telling myself that i guess. 3 months is a long time. i know that i should be talking ot luke about this but i fear that he does not really understand what im really going through how can he when i cant put it into words. I hate what im doing to him, myself and our daughter but i just cant stop...

Saturday, April 22, 2006

23rd April

well yesterday Luke to me to carasoul to the movies to see eight below, it was a good movie then last night we played monopoly with one friend and few to many drinks!!! no sign of Nadine yesterday whichw as fantastic, i had him all to myself as our daughter was with grandma. Today though he has text her heaps, i dont really understand why i get so upset, i guess because yesterday was fantastic, its 5 sleeps until we go away so i want to spend as much time as i can as friends with him although i cant becuase its "controlling" behaviour. Is it wroing to want to spend time with him alone?? we are going away for approx 3 months.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

hi again, well its still the 20th and im still at Lukes the therapist though it best if is tay here until i go to canberra to my nan. i should be leaving on the 29-30th of this month so i have something to look forward to, It also looks like Amelia has an ear infection or something of the sort so she is very unsettled, aso we are of to the after hours clinic tonight!!! ill tell you hoqw it goes

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

20th April 2005

today is my last day at staying at Lukes (ex) tonight i go home with a sick baby who will not sleep and cries all day. Today i go to the therapist at the mental health clinic in rockingham. Im actually looking forward to it. Jenny helps me with coping stratigies at the moment like taking a cold shower when im really mad. Next tuesday its my birthday ill be 25. This saturday Luke is taking me out for my birthday as he will be away. he is going to Albany to march for ANZAC day. Nadine is going to be there thats the girl that he loves. Will i ever get over him?

the photo is of Amelia with Luke and me when she was about 4 weeks old.

So my goals for this week are:

1. not to talk about Nadine and Luke

2. have a shower everyday and brush my teeth

3. make more of an effort to take my medication everyday.

Luke will be home in an half an hour and he is comming to see Jenny with me. any way ill write more a little later

see ya

Monday, April 17, 2006

today is my first day of blog writing. so i will tell you all about me!!!
my name is renee im 24 and live in Rockingham WA.I am a single mum of a 8 month old daughter Amelia who is the love of my life. I have suffered depression ever since i can remember!! i was sexually and phisically abused as a child by my father, put into foster care when i was 13 escaped there after some sexual assult by my foster brother, moved around Wagga Wagga NSW for a bit stayed with friends and family and forward to 3 years ago when i started dating Luke the love of my life who is in the Navy he went away last year and came home a day before i was put in to hospital to have Amelia by ceasern. the day i bought Amelia home was the worst day i can remember.
Luke told me that he was in love with someone else.
so my depression came up again to haunt me and here is it waiting until i get to go to the doctors and foor him to tell me im ok to go home! at the moment i am staying at Lukes house because i have had thoughts of hurting myself and actually did about a week ago.